forced coming out
Again did something looking like a coming out because of the fear of being judge an impostor.
I won't go into the specifics. Might make my discourse less clear and trustworthy, but you gonna have to trust me, because no way am I gonna say that stuff in public.
Very important for my point: it was within an LGBTQ space.
I'm not saying that particular space pushed me to it. If I had to give an explanation, I'd say it's my own anxieties meeting the pressure of LGBT spaces to show your ID card at the door. And your card has to have one of the approved format.
As a trans masc person, with a somewhat atypical journey, I'm terrified other trans masc and more generally LGBT people, especially trans people, will judge me for appropriating a living experience I didn't went through. I have no such claim, but I'm scared some people will have these assumptions.
Also funny, my so called "atypical journey" is not that atypical. A lot of people having a similar journey to mine. Not the same, but comparable. I still feel I'm pretty atypical even among those, but if I'm scared to talk, maybe other are too and that's why we don't talk about it? I have no clue. But I can't be the only one, that's for sure.
All I know is l’m very uncomfortable with being assimilated with trans fems. Not because I reject my journey, but because generally, how people talk about me when they learn about some specifics of my trans journey, makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not seen. Who I am. Including the chaos and the flaws, isn't seen.
It's seems to me, in somewhat large group of LGBT people, that seing people isn't what's important. But finding the box you're supposed to be put them in is. Or fitting all the right labels on people. Those spaces have many more boxes and labels than typical white cis heterosexual spaces1, but ill-fitted boxes are still ill-fitted boxes, multiplying them doesn't fix the underlying problem. And it is seen as progressive and empathetic "Look, I've been very careful about what box to put you in and what labels to use. I'm progressive and supportive". I don't want to reject that. I believe people to be genuine in their intentions. I'm not analyzing what they want to do, what they think or what they think they wanna do. I'm looking at what's happening, materially, in those spaces: pronouns announcement, more and more announcing the collection of psychological labels or diagnostics one might have. I'm not sure if it's an ID card or a resume. And I want to be generous with those spaces. I am who I am today because of spaces like those. I'm thankful for what that gave me for a few years. But today, they suffocated me, make me on edge, and I don't trust this kind of space to treat me properly.
I'm not just worried about me. I have advantages and privileges, I'm not amongst the ones who are the most mistreated by those spaces. But that worse: if me, a somewhat privileged person, is worried about their treatment in those spaces, it should speak loudly about how other people with less privilege feel. I think that scare me too.
I'm not saying I am better than these people2. I'm so insecure about how people are gonna treat me. So scared of being judge, ignored or just not getting the place of comfort I'm looking for, that I use a lot of short-hands and bias to try to make out an idea of who is gonna behave how. I'm not proud of it, I hate it. But that's how it is for now. That fact it's a bad thing doesn't change the fact it's happening. And happening for reasons. I believe some of the significant reasons are external, and that's why I'm talking about it3.
That event was minor. A little thing. It's nothing really. But I've been thinking about it since this morning. So I needed to get it out. It was a "forced" coming-out. That CO can't be undone. And I'm sad.