Masculinity, trauma and transness
Context
Some time ago, a friend sent me a post on the Fediverse. That post was referencing a TikTok video. I posted a transcript of that video by Justin Scott about the male loneliness epidemic. The video add immediately a big impact on me and I wrote a thread on the Fediverse about my story with masculinity posted on 22 November, 2025. This is a reproduction of that post with some editing.
If you wanna be in the mood, the whole thread was written while listening to Inferno by Mrs Green Apple (yes it is relevant, emotionally).
Fediverse version
Masulinity made orphans out of boys and made the orphanhood manhood
Word!
Everything he says… it's so… good to hear those words… And I definitely want men to hear it.
But I also wish I could talk to trans women about this and have a real, earnest conversation about masculinity as a trauma. What it does to people, what it damages, twists, destroys.
And I've found: no one.
I've related more with cis black USA men in the past 3 years than with most trans women I've came across.
I'm not blaming nor shaming.
I'm stating a fact.
And I pre-emptively refuse to internalise that as being du to my specific trajectory. I'm special, but not that special. I can't be the only one.
And believe me, I'm acutely aware of the fact that most interesting and healing things I've heard about masculinity is coming from black men. I'm not yet equipped to fully understand that fact, but I'm not ignoring it.
I need to get a lot out. Yes, it should be an article1. It should be researched and carefully crafted. But I also wanna embrace that I've been stuck with that shit for about 3 years now. I've found a few friends who relate and an understanding and listening ear in all my close friends.
But outside of that? Pure. Fucking. Silence.
Not rejection.
Silence. Being ignored. Not welcomed. Not celebrated2.
What I've learned: the people who were calling me a "kin", a member of a community, don't give the beginning of a shit about what I'm going through. Because it's about masculinity. And they were trans women, so it has nothing to do with them, right? They were always trans, right?
Well I'm sorry but that's not my experience, and I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who wasn't born trans. And life has taught me something, I may be a unique individual, but no matter the experience, I'm never "the only one who's been through this". So: I know I'm not alone. I just haven't found the others yet.
I'm tempted to say to trans women: when I'm talking about me, listen up, I'm talking about you. Not the whole of you. Not your exact experience. But I'm not alien to you. What I've been through isn't an anomaly. It's a fucking feature. It's literally the system. Maybe I'm not using the right words. Maybe I haven't found how to convey the things I understood to you, but I can't be left alone with this.
So anyway, what did I go through, huh?
Like I said, I wasn't born trans.
I grew up or was built trans. I don't understand it fully and maybe will never. But that's not the point.
The point is that until my 28th birthday, I was a man. And most importantly, from 11 to 18, I was a man. Treated as one, seeing myself as one, punished like one.
And that means that all he's saying in the video, I've not only heard and experienced, but like any other man, I internalised it, made it mine, my whole body was taught to try to be a man.
I learned that vulnerability was shameful and would be severely punished3.
I learned that weakness of mind or body, was inacceptable and that it was right to be mocked, bullied and hated for it.
I learned that every abuse was deserved, because shame, pain, bullying were effective teaching tools. That not only they were violent, but that the violence was deserved because when you're weak, you're not human, you're garbage and you should hate yourself. Because you're a man, you can't be pretty. You can't take care of yourself. I grew up in high school where having a skin routine as a man would classify you homosexual. Yes it was an insult. It meant being a woman, less than a man, and any man that is not up to masculinity standards must be bent or broken.
The message was clear: either conform or die.
So I internalised the violence and learned to hate myself4. Hate myself even more than the bullies did. Be more violent than them. They were too nice, I deserved worse. I learned that being a man meant being a bit miserable all the time. That happiness, was only available to the other gender, because being a man sucks, and your only chance at achieving beauty, was to be with a woman. Beauty is not for man. Men are tools.
None of this is ok. It's messed up in every way possible.
What I'm describing is trauma. And sure, the bullying is trauma, no matter the reason. But the reason of the bullying, what they were saying, attacking, pointing out… it's not neutral. It engraves shit in your mind.
Anyway, fast forward, life life life. 28 years old, I'm realising: I want to be a woman.
Well… that's what I was saying at the time. Today, I would say I wanted my chance at femininity. Cutting short a long story: loved it. Loved claiming everything that was denied to me: makeup, dresses, heels, stockings… the list goes on.
I love changing my body. I wasn't sure about boobs and found out I loved them. Loved my hair and learning to take care of them. And love my fucking pussy with all my heart. That the one thing that never changed. I love my pussy. The whole reason I'm trans lol. Anyway, that's another subject.
But there I was, living my life, slowly exploring being less feminine in a conventional way, learning to take freedom regarding the norm. Very lightly, very slowly. But finding happiness and joy in being more masculine sometimes, while still identifying as a woman. Many things happened, identified as non-binary too. I can't trace the whole story it's too much.
While I was exploring, I started to feel regular euphoria while looking at myself in the mirror and seeing what I identified as a man. And a beautiful one at that. So I made room in my life for that man. And transitioned into masculinity. I say transitioned here, it's not a word I've used before. But it's the only one that instinctively fits. I didn't detransition. I was still fucking trans. I just… took a radical step toward another gender expression and incarnation.
And an intention behind that was this: I need to heal from masculinity. I need to heal the man I was, the child I was. And I couldn't envision a way of doing that that didn't meant being a man. I didn't just want to heal, I wanted to be an healed man.
And then…
Then I started to try to talk to people about it. Talk about my exploration of masculinity, the joy I was finding, the euphoria, the happiness. It was great.
I was in certain social circles at the time. I'll refer to them as "circles I was in". I mostly mean: french white trans fem circles. I build those circles on the Fediverse mainly. But there were spaces IPL (In Physical Life) too .
And you know what happened? They didn't give a shit. They didn't reject my story, there just was, less joy than for other trans women. The community celebration I had experienced while first transitioning wasn't there anymore. They didn't rejoice with me, didn't celebrate. It wasn't always silence, but it was overwhelming the difference. To me the only message I could get was "we don't care about your story. We don't like it enough". Turns out some aspects of the community were conditional.
I insisted a bit. Tried to express things. Tried different spaces. Changed city. Same shit. Any trans women circle didn't want that, wasn't enthusiastically welcoming the joy while celebrating their things. I didn't feel welcome, I was wrongly trans all of a sudden, not part of them. So yeah. Don't call me trans fem. I'm not. I'm not one of them. Sorry, but I didn't make those rules 😅.
So I left those circles. Ran away is more accurate. And as I was still trying to find understanding trans fem, I was finding very few. But people trying to force feed a specific culture and imagery of "trans femininity" onto me. So I grew wary of anything related to trans femininity. And to this day, I'm still very anxious when meeting a new trans fem person: will they be amongst the very few one that welcome my story and want to understand it? Or will they be indifferent like the others?
I've always been terrified to not belong. This experience re-activated that trauma so hard lol.
And what about trans masc circles you might think? Well, the few I've been through were much more comfortable. But it's hard for me to feel legitimate in those spaces. Because I've internalise the way of thinking of the trans fem circles I was in. Hell, I actively participated in it. I'm not better or innocent. I'm trying to convey what I think I know and understand about those circles and my story, not distribute good and bad points.
I'm trying to shorten a bit. But it's hard.
Another important point: Although I've felt not welcome and very lonely. I wasn't alone. I've met people who understood my struggles with those circles. Through the years, I've learned to see the shortcomings of the kind of feminism I was defending. I grew up, a lot. And I could understand in other people's story what was similar to mine and why they were not welcome in spaces that should have been theirs too. That story was sometimes very different to mine. The relationship to gender very different. But the feeling of rejection was there.
I want to insist here on the word "community". If you read me on a regular basis, you might have noticed I barely use it5. And I don't use the word "queer" either. And this is part of the reason: what I called community I learned to understand in my flesh that it was conditional. That it wasn't for everyone. And I also learned politically all the people that weren't there and that I didn't notice when I was comfortable in those spaces. Mainly: non-white people and disabled people. That latter need clarification: there's disabled people in trans spaces, but only a select part of disability. Some loonies are celebrated, mostly because they don't think of themselves as loonies but "neurodivergent". But others, mainly psychotic people (but not only!), are not. Some form of disability you won't see: people in wheelchairs, people still masking and protecting from covid. I'm not neglecting non-white people issues. Just, it's not a subject I know enough to dare talk about it, mistakes would be too inacceptable (and potentially severally punished) and anyway it's not my place to say.
So yeah, I knew I wasn't alone having issues, but I still felt lonely. Mostly because no one travels masculinity like I do. I think. Maybe I just don't understand. Maybe I'm missing something.
And… I don't know… I can't get passed the fact that as soon as I was just a little bit not right enough, I lost the socializing I had. Like, maybe I'm too sensitive, but the cut felt so sudden and sharp. And hell, I have my pride too, I deserve group and community and I want to claim it. But I'm just me and I haven't found the strength to confront those spaces again. I'm too sensitive on the subject now to express my fears calmly.
You might wonder why I'm talking about this. Well, I am too. Like, to me it's obvious the subjects of the video are connected to that long ark of story I've told and the reaction of the "white trans fem circles" I'm describing.
But I not equipped yet to talk about it. So I don't really have the end. Like… connecting everything, tying it up, I need help to do that.
And that's the thing too! I'm backing up a bit: I started talking about my experience in the circles I was in by mentioning the joy. I want to believe it's because I wanted to be accessible. But I also wish I could talk about the hard parts: the resurgence of the hate, of the internalise violence, how the dysphoria I felt was (and still is) sometimes terrifyingly familiar. When I first transitioned, I found tones of help to deal with the insecurities, the uncertainties. I had companions to help me discover what was right for me. And I still need this help with this. I want my community to listen to me, to fucking help me with the mess I'm dealing with. I'm super proud of doing this work, I'm still convinced it's right. Maybe not the right way, maybe I'm too rough with myself, too violente, but I'm trying something. I'm doing the only thing I know to do. And I wish I had a group – outside my private social circle of relationships I've built over the years ‑ to help me with this. Fuck, I need support…
I have the instinct that one of the reason my story didn't find echo in those circles is that it's about masculinity. And that the only acceptable discourse about masculinity is that it needs to be destroyed, hated and rejected. And I mean… I kinda agree. I want to get rid of patriarchy and hence of genders, including masculinity.
But masculinity traumatised me. Not just the bullying, the whole thing. And I'm sorry, but it traumatised you too. And I really don't see how it helps to ignore that. It's trauma, trauma needs to be healed. Ignoring it will just create rot.
So probably most people don't need to go the path I'm taking, but you can't tell me what I'm going through isn't worthy of interest, celebration and support.
Where to got from there?
I have no clue. I wanted to had a whole section about covid, how wearing a mask creates dysphoria. How I've lost many things regarding gender and I can't talk about it to anyone. Because my private circle is already too burdened trying to help with everything else and they can't do everything. And an external space to get help with all that seems the best solution. But it doesn't exist.
I don't know what we should do. I'm not even demanding a certain type of change.
All I'm hoping for is that people will find empathy reading this mess. And will find in them the will to contribute to change so what we call "community" becomes more deserving of the term and more people can find the support and celebration they need. That more people find a place.
I need a good impactful phrase for the end of this shit. But I'm out of energy, ideas and emotions. I kinda want to plea for help, but I'd feel pathetic. I don't know. I know it hurts. I know security through community is my number one solution against fascism. That I want to contribute to build it.
But I'm burned out and at the end of my rope.
I need rest lol.
I hope I made some sense and managed to convey the struggle and confusion. I wish it was a more polished work, but I needed to get that out if only to lift a bit of the weight I carry and don't know what to do with.
Just… hell. I love you is all I can offer. Truly
🤍
Relevant addition
Since I wrote this thread, I've watched a video by F.D. Signifier and I loved how he described the relationship of men with violence and socialising. It relates to what I've been through. Here is the quote:
[…]Men's socialised relationship with violence. Boys are raised to have a very paradoxical relationship with violence. On one end it's instilled in boys very early on that they need to be capable of exerting and absorbing physical violence and that without said capability, they will never be a real man. Because this is usually where they begin to learn to disregard bodily autonomy. Both their own but also the autonomy of others because bodily autonomy for young boys is something that you have to earn through your capacity to exert and withstand violence. Your capacity to enforce your own autonomy. And in that same breath you're also expected to test the autonomy of others in order to make sure that they're on the same grade as you are.
It comes from the following video, time code 4:43 : F.D. Signifier video about the masculine urge to join a fascist death squad