Phone sex isn't virtual
Woke up this morning from a great fuck last night.
My hand went gently, softly but with intent, to my pussy. Started softly touching myself. I was exploring in my mind the places where I fucked them: on the bed laying on their back, laying on their front, with my tongue. That moment I pouched them on the wall, legs spread, fucking them with my hand, their wetness drenching my hand, flowing inside their thighs, leaving a puddle on the floor. How I wanted to make them come over and over and over again. With my hands, my mouth, my tongue. I loved drinking them, listening to their sounds, hearing them begging me to fuck 'em more. Loving them. In that moment, feeling so much love, lust and care. Everything weirdly wrapped. Adoring their body. Being dedicated to their pleasure.
And all that was by talking on the phone. The specific mean of technology isn't important. It could have been texting. I'm undecided about video call. I like showing myself and seeing the other person, but phone and text leave more room for the imagination. I know how important imagination and state of mind is important in sex, but I think I haven't explored it enough.
I consider myself "good at sex". What I mean by that is: skilled, competent. I have good knowledge of my body, ways to stimulated someone's body. I know how to ask questions, I can participate in building a safe space for exploring, leaving room for renegotiation during sex/a scene. But I'm also very aware of my short comings and what I haven't explored enough for myself. I'm also aware, and wary, of the things I'm not practicing or not enough, that would make interaction safer, or more pleasant and connecting.
For all these reasons, I still consider myself rather a "novice" at sex. From a skill point of view. Because I know a lot of theory, but theory without practice is just pretending. I'm not saying all this to brag, but to express how I feel and see that most people don't work on their sexuality much. They don't explore, train and that. Generally, I feel that even in pretty sexually liberated circles people are doing much to improve their knowledge of sex. And think about all we could get from working on this: improving the connection, the pleasure and the security of sexual and BDSM interactions. Sex, like any other activity, requires work to become good at it. It means doing something you're not used to because you know it's safer and better, experimenting even if it fails, doing pre-talk even from something not including BDSM, talking about sex when not doing sex to have a space where you're more free of your horny body to talk and think.
When I'm talking about skill here, I'm not talking about technical skill like having a could cardio, being flexible, being trained to do anal sex, deep throating or knowing shibari. I am talking about skills that are not the action you make during sex or a scene, but the fundamentals of relationship, self-understanding, BDSM and sex that support the actions and form the frame in wish everything else is happening.
What I've explored better these past few days:
- Focusing more on fantasy and connection. I tend to focus a lot on body stimulation, looking for the pleasure. Because sex is a very important regulation tool too, and I'm looking for the effect of pleasure and orgasm on my anxieties and mind "problems" (to over simplify). But of course, sex is not primarily about the body. Like, I'd say: the body stimulation should be supporting the fantasy, not the other way around. I knew it, but I have difficulties putting it in practice.
- Distant sex can be very efficient to get what I'm looking for. Which is connected to the previous point. What I'm looking for is the effect intensity has on my body (including mind). If what's central to reach orgasms, intense orgasm, is the mind, then the physical presence of the person is not required. Mind you, I still want to meet new people physically, and touch, taste, drink them. But I want to engrave in my mind that I shouldn't fear that distant sex is not gonna fulfill me and sooth me like I need, because the physicality isn't required for sex to be good. Important precision: not required doesn't mean not valuable or not important.
I suffer a lot from not being able to have more covid cautious sexual partners. People I could just meet, have a good connection and great sex with. But it's very reassuring for me to contemplate that I could have more distant sex with people and fulfill my needs. So much so that for the first time in a while, maybe ever, I'm coming in my room wishing I could have distant sex with someone.