Sub guilt
Is that a thing?
I mean. I know it is. Dom or sub, there's the internalised guilt most, if not all, of us have experienced. The shame coming from general society's jugement that people involved in kink are devious, monsters, dangerous, only abusive… basically the wrong kind of disgusting. That's not what I'm getting at.
I've also heard and read a bit about dom guilt. I have only little experience as a dom, but I think I understand, from what I read, where it comes from and what's at stake.
I want to talk about a kind of experience of guilt I haven't read or heard elsewhere: the guilt of being "passive" as sub.
Rationalising being "passive"
I put passive in quotes because it's not what I actually think about what being a sub is. Being a sub is an active role. It takes energy to abandon myself while trying to be mindful of body and mind state, staying responsible of my own safety is an actual thing as a sub. I am responsible to use safe word/gesture in case I need it. And when receiving any kind of practices, as a sub, I might not be the one doing the action, as I am a receiver. But receiving is an active role. Of presence, of care, or breathing, of the body and mind. This was something I used to talk about a lot regarding the gay wording "passive or active". I don't like this terminology because it implies that being on the receiving end (bottom) is a passive role. I believe anyone who's ever received some anal practices know that it's an active role. And I'm not even talking about the training and taking care of yourself outside the session. That shit takes work y'all.
But that's what I know.
What the guts say
Then, there's what I feel. What the guts, the internalised injunctions, are saying. And that manifests in the form of guilt. So many times I felt intense guilt because I'm not being active. Because I'm… passive. I'm not the one exerting myself. I feel so ashamed that I get to just… be there, getting fucked, hit, hurt, taking in all the pleasure, getting exactly what I desire. Mind drifting in pleasure and abandonment, while being… passive… Something inside me tells me I shouldn't be allowed to get this. That it's not fair that not only do I get pleasure, but I get exactly what I want. "By what right?!". It twists my guts, that I haven't earned it, that I don't deserve it.
And I'm no fool, I see part of what's at stake here. Just the words I'm using "deserve", "passive". I'm just shy of calling myself lazy: I'm not producing the pain. I'm not producing pleasure. I'm not putting in the work that then produces what's of value in such circumstances. I'm just a freeloader. I feel suffocated by the guilt, how dare I enjoy myself so much and not giving something to the person doming me.
Unpacking the guilt
Every time I think about this or feel this, it is apparent to me that that way of seeing things is ignoring the fact that maybe my dom are getting something in this. That they actually are enjoying what's happening and they don't need me to touch them, or be so called "active" to be satisfied with what's happening.
I'm also questioning what relationship this guilt has with the fact I'm disabled. I feel a lot of internalised pressure and guilt everyday about the fact I don't have a job, that I'm currently applying for disability benefit, that I might not ever be able to hold a job again. That I wasn't very good at my jobs before that and that's been struggling to keep my jobs and basically unstable for my whole life outside of school.
It's also obvious to me that I have internalised that being the one giving a certain practice, is sacrificial and to no benefit to the person doing it, or at least that any such interaction is inherently unbalanced. Mind you it's not what I think and I fight for a world where that's not case. Plus I don't think or feel like that when I'm the one giving! Whenever I'm hurting someone, or fucking someone, I do it because I want to. Because I want the pleasure of doing it, because I want to give the other person pleasure and like doing it the way they like to receive it. But still, whenever I'm getting what I want, I feel that the "passive" role is the advantageous one. That it's better to be given than to give. And I don't know what to make of that, as I know it's not the truth.
I'm talking about unpacking, but I'm clearly not done and I haven't figured out everything. I'm still quite confused by all this.
The struggle
I've talked about this to several closed ones, and I still feel I'm missing something. That I don't quite understand what's at stake for me in this. Why I feel so ashamed of being passive, while simultaneously refusing that term as unfair. And I also feel like I'm not making myself clear. I struggle to find words that feel right to describe this internal struggle.
I don't have an answer here. I'm basically exposing myself, saying the quiet part out loud. I genuinely think it has value to say publicly "I'm feeling this thing that I know isn't good for me", because voicing it is part of the process of healing, but also because I know that if I'm feeling like this, others must too. I'm not sure how to tackle this issue. I feel I haven't understood it well enough to properly address it and that's why I've been running in circles regarding it.
I may not have solutions, but if you recognize yourself in what I've wrote, know you're not alone and that, no, you don't have to deserve stuff to get it. Fuck the meritocracy.
edit: fix typos